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Thursday, August 9th, 2007

(drive me mad)

Subject:i've broken
Time:2:47 pm.
Mood: drained.
it could be the fact that half the things in my life that are "working" aren't benefiting me at all. school's starting, and jay's gone to valdosta for school. i'll get to see him next weekend, it just isn't the same not having him here. i know we'll make it through the long distance though. i know we will, we're both willing to work hard to make it last. he's the first person that i'd ever be willing to throw everything away as long as it meant to help or save him. i would.

i'm working though now, which is good. i came home last night with 7.50 in my pocket from tips. and school's about to start. all of it means that i've got something to keep my mind off the mess at home with money, jay not being here and my grandpa being in the hospital.

i need to finish my summer work, and i just don't have the want to.

add onto it the fact that i just can't sleep well. i keep having dreams that i'm being attacked by things and they're controlling me. worms and parasites and shit. things from my past i don't want to remember. it's all depressing.

and now i need to finish getting dressed and shit. fuck.

Saturday, July 21st, 2007

(drive me mad)

Subject:you know how
Time:3:55 am.
when you have a pet for a long period of time, the pet and owner begin to look a lot alike, especially if the owner had the pet from a kitten or puppy or baby fish or w/e. well, that was definitely true about willow. she really did look like me. i guess if i was a cat, i would be siamese like willow and euri.

i honestly have to say that when i found out earlier this week that willow had feline leukemia, i was devastated. but it really did make a lot sense. it all just went downhill so quick. i told my mom something was wrong with her, and it was like she didn't believe me until willow got sick in her room. of course, then she took her to the vet.

and well, now she's gone.

the vet told us that euri could just be a carrier and that's why he isn't showing signs of it, which i am hoping that's all. i mean, i know everything has to die eventually, but losing willow has literally broken my heart today, and losing him would kill me. i got him right after bini, and losing bini was honestly the hardest because he was my first.

it just all seems to be crashing down on me at once: me having to go to the hospital, willow going to the vet, willow dying, [jeremy, jared, and loop] leaving, school starting, me needing to rush to finish my homework, not seeing my dad, me needing to get a job, ASAP. i don't know, it's stressful. and it's throwing everything inside of me completely off.


Saturday, June 30th, 2007

(drive me mad)

Subject:i'm an addict.
Time:4:00 pm.
does it bother me? not in the least. i can control it.

unlike most of you think, probably, i'm not addicted to drugs. i'm not some big fucking druggie. i'm not addicted to sex. none of that. i'm addicted to cigarettes. and oxygen, but everyone is.

it doesn't bother me at all. my favorite pack of cigarettes is 2.27 a pack. i'm not 18, but jeremy's awesome about getting them for me.

it really is just like a getting something to do with my hands. it's great to have in lengthy conversations. it's a bonding experience.

oh well. here's to the summer :]

Thursday, June 21st, 2007

(drive me mad)

Subject:things i learned this summer [so far, i'm doing it again at the end]
Time:12:36 pm.
Mood: distressed.
1.i would risk my life for anyone i loved

2.everything break

3.and everything that breaks can most likely be fixed.

4.you can't trust a soul

5.i would much rather be hurt physically than emotionally.

6.don't go traipsing through woods just after a big storm.

7.sometimes the intense pain of someone hurting you is better than the aching to lapsing time between the good and the bad.

8.distance is horrible.

9.my mother still doesn't know me

10.if i try, i can watch the pink panther everyday at 11

11.things never work out for me

12.just because a place says you have a job, DOESN'T mean you do by any means.

13.people are slowly killing themselves.

14.my close friends are keeping me in augusta

15.what i wanna be when i grow up

16.that my moms boyfriend is cocky [when he doesn't need to be]
and self centered and outspoken.

17.i hate being stuck

18.fat people are intense... seriously.

19.what not to say when your high or embarassed.

20.that it doesn't matter. at all.

Sunday, June 17th, 2007

(drive me mad)

Time:1:03 pm.
i hate my mom. i really do.

i'm in a bad mood, and she thinks the reason i'm in one is because Jeremy, who she refers to as "Guy," is going to Valdosta today. sure, it makes me a little sad i won't see him for two days, but i really don't give a fuck. i'm not gonna see him that much this entire week because Alex is coming into town. Alex doesn't like me because he seems to think i'm stealing Jeremy away. whatever.

the reason why i'm in a bad mood is because i didn't sleep and because my mom is stupid.

thank you.

oh yea, and happy father's day. hope your dad cares more than mine :]

Thursday, June 7th, 2007

(drive me mad)

Time:10:18 pm.
today was nothing but miscommunications. my mom told me the other day 4 45 for my appointment with fitz symms to buy the damn pictures, and she called me at 9 30 telling me to get up. my dumbass decided to stay up until 4 this morning b/c i thought i didn't have to be down there until 4 45. i'd been pretty grouchy all day. i watched tv for like 2 hours and then alexx called and talked to her. i had to get off the phone with her b/c i knew i needed to do shit. i ended up feeling sick to my stomach so i just sat it out. and then my mom came home and started bitching at me about how the dishes needed to be washed, i was trying to ignore her b/c i didn't want to snap at her. i was frustrated due to lack of sleep. she pisses me off b/c when i wake up she walks in with German. stupid bitch.

she deserves the hurt she's asking for is she dumb enough to keep running back.

Wednesday, May 30th, 2007

(drive me mad)

Time:1:38 pm.
i feel cheated.

cheated by work, cheated by my mother and father, and cheated out of fucking water.

the art factory basically told me like two weeks ago that i'd be working from 1-3 monday through thrusday. i got an email this morning from my boss that i'm working MONDAY and TUESDAY from 1 30 to 2 30 for the month of june. that's it. THAT'S FUCKING IT. and i have to say that if i wasn't getting $10 an hour for this bullshit and it wasn't going to look great for fucking colleges, i would just tell them to suck it and not go into work. i'm so fucking pissed about this. so fucking pissed.

i'm mad about the fact that we are in a drought b/c i can't fucking water my plants like i want to. by the time i get home in the evenings i'm too pooped to do shit, so i end up getting up at like... 9 30 to water.

i want my mom to stop treating me like i'm fucking five. i want to go away and never come back.

and i understand fully that life isn't how you want it, but seriously. i'm 5 + 12 and that equals 17. i'm not a fucking kid anymore. i'm anything but. i have breasts, i have my period each month, i have shitty job that i was excited about until they cut me down, and i'm a senior in high school. i'm resposible, i fucking take care of her AND my grandparents.

i getting that fucking piercing whether she wants me to or not. it's time to piss my mom off more than she'll ever know.

and it's time to start looking for another fucking job.

Thursday, May 17th, 2007

(1 obsession | drive me mad)

Time:10:17 pm.
i swear, i really did like my life a HELL of a lot more when my mother wasn't around and i was just helping my grandparents out. i really did. and now, my mom's back, and i have to deal with her AND German. and with German, there's Gabby. and my brother is just as annoying as those three. this summer, i REFUSE to be home, i refuse to deal with their shit. i made the mistake of going with German and my mother earlier. she's such a bitch to me when he's around. i'm trying to talk to her, and then he starts talking to her, and she ignores me. it pisses me off.

i know i'm PMS-y and shit, but they don't help me out any AT ALL.

you know.. the first thing the fucking douche said to me yesterday when they i got in after they got back into to town was 'wow... you're losing weight.'

gee thanks, you fucking prick.

i mean i suppose it was supposed to be a compliment, but i don't think he meant it like that. or then again he could've and my resentment for him has just completely swallowed me whole and i don't want to think about him positively in the least.

i can't wait till i can fucking drive in february so that when he comes over, all i have to say is 'hey! i'm gonna study at the bookstore.' and drive off. i'll never fucking be home then.

then again i'm not really home now, soooooooo yea.

on another note... just next week until i'll officially be a senior. i'm pretty damn ready for the next year, because my ass is going to be exempting and i won't be there for the last week of school. AT ALL. next year, at least.

Tuesday, May 15th, 2007

(drive me mad)

Time:9:52 am.
so being sick has allowed me to think a lot. about a bunch of things.

jeremy's going to college in august, which means he'll be leaving augusta. hopefully, we aren't at the point where we're ready to strangle each other and we're still together. i'm willing to work at a long distance relationship with him. i really am, and i want to. by february i will be able to drive, and hopefully i'll have a car, maybe we can meet up half way or something along those lines. it's definitely going to be weird to go from seeing each other several times a week to seeing each other barely. i guess that's what cameras and film are for.

i'm pretty excited about my job coming up. actually i'm really excited. it's just making me really nervous because mrs. o'brien hasn't sent me my schedule yet. does that mean she's changed her mind and doesn't want me at all? or does that mean she's forgotten... i mean, that's what's really making me nervous.

i think the best thing though was when jamie, one jeremy's really, really, really good friends invited me to go to Hilton Head the weekend after school lets out. i mean, he invited jeremy [duh] but he invited me. that really means a lot. jamie's just awesome.

and it's weird to me, b/c the people i've grown up with at my school, i dunno. i'm just not feeling it anymore. jeremy and i were talking about expectations the other night, and i've come realize that i've never expected anything from anyone there. i knew people wouldn't call me if i were to ask them to. i knew that even if i tried to make an effort, they still wouldn't. i think the only reason why i'm still there is because i hope to graduate from davidson and get somewhere in my life, even if i don't know where my life is going to take me. expect that unexpected. that's my only expectation.

i think once i get to feeling better, i'm gonna start going through my shit, and i'm seriously getting rid of a lot of it this time. i really am.

and for some reason, that reminded me of that time when i wanted this shirt really bad, and i asked my mom for it. it was before i was dating buddha and all that shit, but i've always loooooooooved buddha's. and it had a buddha on the front of it, and i asked my mom for it, and she told me she wouldn't get it for me b/c it represented another deity other than God. buddha isn't a deity, and i tried explaining that to her, but you try talking any sense to my mother, and she drone's you out in her head singing "God is Good."

speaking of her, she seemed to think i was faking being sick when i called her and asked her to call the doctor's office so i could get a check up. my throat hurt, i couldn't talk, i had a fever, and i was coughing up mucus. i mean honestly. needless to say, i told her i wasn't going to school whether it was excused or not. but my grandparents believed me, and when they went to their doctor yesterday, they told him about it and he wrote me a note for yesterday and today. not that anyone cares, but i will be back at school tomorrow.

Wednesday, May 9th, 2007

(drive me mad)

Time:5:52 pm.
so needless to say, i seem to be in a pretty bad mood. and i really don't know why.

also needless to say, i think i need to start sleeping. my body would love to, my mind on the other hand just seems to not want to. whatever.

i feel like blowing something up. i'm glad i'm going to atlanta on friday night. i really am excited about this.

i really need something other than augusta. i need this to just stop, even though i'm not quite sure what "this" is.

so my question is, where the fuck is jeremy? we're supposed to hang out tonight, and he hasn't called me yet.

Thursday, April 26th, 2007

(drive me mad)

Time:10:10 pm.

Saturday, April 21st, 2007

(drive me mad)

Time:9:17 pm.
Mood: dirty.
i remember now why i don't have anything to do with a lot of the people at school. i remember why i just don't give a rats ass about my family. and i especially remember why i don't have anything to do with my mother or the rest of my family for that matter.

my family has... ok intentions. albeit, everything is alcohol related, or "i've got a mental problem." i fucking hate this about everyone in my family. someone's always sick or someone's always complaining. my mom probably did the nicest thing she ever could today. and it was a big surprise. a VERY big surprise. she took me to Turner's piano and let me pick one out. apparently they rent pianos there, but my mom is trying to get financed for one. renting is nothing but a last resort. afterward, we went to the mall for a little bit, and then we went to the movie store. and while we weren't arguing or anything then, my mom decided to stay on the phone with German the whole time we were out. and that honestly upset me, and then she started talking about money. and i'm well aware of the fact that we don't have a lot. i'm well aware, also, that the A/C and plumbing in my house need to be fixed. we don't have an air conditioner, thank the gods my grandparents have a window unit. and the reason our plumbing needs to be fixed is because we have pipe that leads to the sewer that's 2.5 in in diameter, and it's SUPPOSED to be 4.5 in in diameter. to get that fixed is cheaper that the A/C, but even then, we don't have enough money for this. the guy that lived here before KNEW all this shit was wrong with the house, and our real estate agent didn't offer us a warranty, stupid bitch. so we're kind of fucked up the ass with a big bottle of gin.

anyway, on to why i'm in this WONDERFUL mood.

i'm the go-to person in the household, b/c apparently since I'M the teenager, if i get angry, or bothered, or upset about ANYTHING, i'm able to bounce right back from it. all of the "adults" in the household are unstable: my mother's a fucking wreck, my grandmother's "back always hurts," and grandfather basically can't do shit because of his hip. i honestly don't mind doing shit for anyone, i really don't. but when every 5 minutes i hear someone asking me to do this, to do that; or i get a call from my grandparents asking me to get them this, do that for them. it's always fucking something, and it drives me up a wall. half the time i can't even PISS for 5 minutes and walk out of my bathroom before my grandma or my mother are asking me to wash the dishes or get them something because they're too lazy to do it theirselves.

and tonight, of all nights, i'm experiencing an emotion i've never felt in my entire life. it's 9 30 on a saturday and i'm at home waiting for a call i'm probably not going to get. my pants are wet from gardening. i'm happy, and yet i want to cry. i have no reason to except for the fact that i'm poor as shit. i feel like i'm the worst child ever and i complain way too fucking much, but yet... i just wish that someone in this house would do something besides me. if i could run the house the way i wanted to, half the shit in here WOULDN'T be in here.

i really just need to go.

Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007

(drive me mad)

Time:12:18 pm.
i'm extremely good at making people feel their worst, or making things awkward. i really am.

yesterday, joan and i were supposed to hang out with luke and buddha. buddha got mad b/c i was going. i called buddha up and i yelled at him. he hung up on me. needless to say, i was pissed. i really was. i wasn't going to say anything else to him, and i haven't. the ass thinks he has every right to not want to have anything to do with me, b/c he's a man and he thinks he's always right. fuck that. i let him walk over me enough for the 8 months he and i were together, and that was more than i'll EVER let a man do to me AGAIN. i think i have the right to be the way i am towards him.

next in line was the awkwardness of my friend stephen. he umm... has a little bit of a crush on me. ok, well it for sure is more than a little bit of a crush. it's true, he's cute, he's nice, he fun to be around. the kid is fucking cool, and maybe if i wasn't dating jeremy at the time, i would go for it. he went and asked buddha's permission, apparently, to date me. which is sweet, except for the fact that he has no chance at the moment. i'm completely, 100% happy where i am.

and you know... i feel horrible. i really do. b/c i guess i don't exactly make situations better, but before i even knew stephen liked me i had been treating him like i treated all my guy friends, flirtingly. i always have, always will. false hope, and i feel horrible for doing that. but, it'll pass.

now for my turn in awkwardness:

jeremy called me last night while i was at brian's watching buddha hide from me in the kitchen. i didn't really think anything of it, i wanted to talk to him anyway. i'd been waiting for the chance to talk to him all day. and i erally don't remember much of what he said. there were so many people around, i wasn't quite myself. there really were an abundance of reasons for not quite remembering the conversation. i do remember the three conclusions he came to. well, one of them. and that's it.

so i went to bed feeling horrible about it, and i called him at noon. made a complete fool out of myself, and then i was just gonna wait for the rest of the day for him to call me and everything. not even 10 minutes later, he called me up and was making sure i was ok, i guess he didn't quite understand what was going on.

i love the situations i get myself in.

Saturday, March 24th, 2007

(2 obsessions | drive me mad)

Subject:i only come here when i feel passionate.
Time:4:57 pm.
i hate the way my mother says she'll do something for me, or help me do something, and then she finds something better to do and completely way-lays the fact that she told me she would do it.

i understand that being 17 and unable to drive is a big problem. but, i rarely ask my mother for rides, because anytime i do she huffs and puffs and makes a big deal about it. so when i asked her to take me to laura's house about a week ago, she told me she would, said it wouldn't be a big deal. THEN she made plans with my aunt sherry. blew me off, told me to ask my grandpa, said she wasn't going to be "finished" in time. stupid stupid. i fucking HATE that. of course, my grandfather was more than willing to do it, but she can't do ANYTHING for me if it interferes with something she plans on doing, whether it was before or after i'd asked her.

today was ALSO miranda's birthday party. i asked my mother if she would take me, she said she would. then today, she popped up and said she had to come get me early from laura's b/c she had to get dressed. and i asked her what for, and she told me she was going out with my aunt sandy tonight. and i asked her if she was going to take me to miranda's, and she said 'if it's before 5 30.' miranda's party starts at 7. therefore, i'm not fucking GOING to the party. what the fuck? stupid stupid.

i know i have the fucking right to be angry. and ever since we moved into the new house, i've grown more and more impatient with her, and i've grown angrier and angrier with her. she home, but she isn't there. she doesn't talk to me, ever. and when i work my ass off, keeping the house clean, she makes the biggest deal about giving me a few dollars. on rare, once a blue moon occasions, my mother will get off her lazy ass and clean. but those are so rare that when they do happen, i'm dumbfounded and i'm unable to do anything, in which case she bitches at me. i honestly would prefer throttling her to anything else, but since i can't, i guess i'll stick with venting here on my livejournal.

in other news...

i feel a distancing of myself. a major distancing. i guess that's why i don't really talk to anyone anymore. all the people at school don't go out of their ways to talk to me. in art, even though i work with "friends," i have to be honest, i never talk to them. and they don't try talking to me. ever. in class, no one bothers to talk to me, ever. i mean, it's not like it bothers me, it just makes me wonder. i think the only class anyone goes out of their way to talk to me in is algebra and homeroom. these are people i've grown up with for 6 years, you would think they would talk to me, but they don't. i try talking to them, but i'm not a 17 year old girl trapped with an 8th graders mind. a lot of THEM are. their idea of fun is video games and myspace. and hell, i don't even know what my idea of fun is.

i think i've failed the life test.

Monday, March 12th, 2007

(drive me mad)

Time:8:28 pm.
it honestly is nights like these where i just feel wonderful. the day was horrible, but the night was WONDERFUL. spring is close at hand, and you can tell by the weather. i need to get my spade and shit out so i can start my garden, which i'm so excited about. i think i could possibly have some summer jobs lining up. things could possibly be looking up. more than anything, for the longest time, i'm happy. i really am.

it's too clichéd to say that's it because i'm in love, which i am, but i think that has a lot to do with it. for so long i was so used to buddha's bs and him treating like bs. jeremy is so different, and he cares, and i love it and i love him. and it's so childish of me, but i've broken so many rules i'd lain out for myself in these situations thati've scared myself. i took buddha back so many times, i let him run over me, i gave more than i received. jeremy and i tend to balance ourselves out. it amazes me that we even have as much in common as we do.

but also, the reason i'm happy, is because school is coming closer to an end. i'm about to take the graduation test [easy] and i'm about to be a senior. and my senior year is going to be so full of mostly bs classes that it'll be a breeze. no lunch, no worries. there's no reason to even be sitting in there b/c the food is so disgusting. it's more along the lines of the fact that i'm excited about everything that's laying out at my feet. i have so many different things looking me in the face, and i'm glad.

i have been having crazy dreams though, which isn't a good thing b/c it's leaving me unrested.

overall... i'd say things could possibly be taking a turn for good, hopefully.

OH! and alexx.. he's an imp. how crazy is THAT?!

Wednesday, February 21st, 2007

(drive me mad)

Time:8:29 pm.
even though i'm pretty sick, i would officially like to say that i have an awesome boyfriend.

he brought me a can of soup today.

that was awesome. he's been very very cool for the past month and i'm very excited to be dating him.

ok and now that i've said that on here, after my mother just fucking shrugged me off... i'm good.

Saturday, February 17th, 2007

(drive me mad)

Time:9:08 am.
Today's Aquarius New Moon turns the lights on, as insightful flashes bring you a new awareness about a current relationship. If you feel constrained, this is about increasing your personal freedom. If you are already independent, you might seek security from a partnership. Either way, stand between your dreams and reality so you can draw the two closer together.

that's my horoscope for the day. i think it's a good thing, and it's right about how i'm feeling. i love how they can actually get close sometimes. XD

btw, i love saosin. they make me nut. saosin and circe survive. they're both very very lovely.

Friday, February 16th, 2007

(drive me mad)

Time:11:54 pm.
so a year ago alexx and i were in my room getting ready for bed.

it's amazing to me how quickly the past year has passed for me and i hadn't even realized it. in 12 i'll be a fucking senior. where has all the time gone?

and i fucking hate how everything just gets ruined at the stupidest things and shit. ugh. i dunno.

tomorrow's my birthday. i'm going to see buddha tomorrow night, and i'm hoping he doesn't make shit more awkward than they're already going to be. knowing him though, he will. oh well.


Monday, February 12th, 2007

(drive me mad)

Time:6:19 pm.
dxm: robotripping. it's pretty crazy sounding, but apparently dangerous.

danger! danger! [glad i never did it.]

i really enjoy salvia, legal, doesn't kill you, and trippy as shit. quite the entertainment until you drool on yourself XD

happy birthday alexx, i totally called you yesterday and left you a message. :]]]

anyway, i'm off to watch Running With Scissors, biotch, b/c i fell asleep watching it last night.

Wednesday, February 7th, 2007

(drive me mad)

Time:9:04 pm.
fat people and whores annoy the shit out of me. and when the two are combined, it annoys me even more.

just thought that i would announce that.

so buddha sent me a text message this morning at two. that was wonderful.

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